I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know what a lot of the labels floating around describing myriad aspects of human sexuality really mean. It’s confusing, right? I mean, what exactly does it mean when someone tells you that they aren’t gay, they’re queer. What exactly is queer anyway? What does gender-fluidity really mean?
And the worst part is, you can’t really ask anyone. Ask someone what it means to be queer and you’re opening up a can of worms. I’ve unknowingly offended many a person by not really understanding their personal definition of their own sexuality. And I certainly didn’t mean to!
I’d put this post on the back burner, but a recent conversation I saw on twitter prompted me to rewrite it and post it. I don’t know what those terms mean — gay, queer, femme, butch, boi, pansexual. Gay and queer aren’t the same thing? I openly admit my ignorance because I want to learn and I want to do so without offending anyone.
I identify as bisexual — I like both boys and girls. In high school, when I was actively defining my sexuality, there was gay, bisexual, and straight. And underneath the “gay” category, there were more categories to choose from, both for men and women. Butch, lipstick lesbian, femme — my best friend was a lipstick lesbian. She taught me everything I knew about makeup and was always dolled up to the nines. I’d heard about different categories for men, but since most of the men I knew were also bisexual, I didn’t have any personal experiences with any of those “categories”.
The world opened up even more for me when I started reading sex blogs, and even more so when I started writing my own sex blog. Categories, labels, unlabels, anti-labels, people who refused to be defined and labeled, people who have very specific labels they prefer, people with always evolving sexuality whose labels change– there was so much more than I’d ever imagined. And it was confusing. Pansexual, sapiosexuality — definitions that I never knew existed. And it’s still confusing. So, help me out, and tell me a little bit about how you define yourself sexually, what labels you like/dislike, and how you identify — because I’d love to learn more.
14 Comments
This is a great post. One of the best I have read in a long time and thank you for asking some of the same questions I have wondered at times.
When you find out what all these terms mean, let me know– I’ll make pocket sized reference cards. “Gender/identity for dummies”
Definitely a great post, and good for you for unashamedly admitting you don’t know what a lot of these terms mean.
I think it’s sad that you — and people in general — CAN’T ask others what terms mean. People should not be offended by people truly seeking knowledge! I think as a community that gets a LOT of persecution and hatred aimed at us, we’ve gotten a little overly defensive, to the point where knowledge seekers like yourself feel discouraged from asking pertinent questions.
I’m going to think more on this and probably write a blog post about it, because the questions you’re asking require more in-depth answers than should be fit into a blog comment.
But hey, if you ever have any questions about this stuff… I am one of those people who will NOT be offended. I can’t promise the same caliber of answers you’d get out of some of the more well-versed people, but I can promise honesty and acceptance. You follow me on Twitter (I’m bailar_vivir) and I also have a slew of IM hosts if you ever want to chat!
To me poly=nonmanogmous. In orher words Ican be deeply in love/lust with more than one. Most of us are, but we dont own up to our own sexual desires.
Problem is that we are an asexual society. Try to pretemd it does not exist, but its there all the time.
I’m of the opinion that there isn’t anything more offensive than ignorance, so I always encourage people to ask. If you ask someone politely what a label they use means for THEM, you are allowing them to give them THEIR meaning. Mind you, their is a lot of ambiguity amongst people about what all this means!
gay, queer, femme, butch, boi, pansexual. Gay and queer aren’t the same thing?
Okay, I’ll try to offer MY particular meanings and such:
Gay/Lesbian — Someone who is attracted to people of the same sex
Gay men and lesbians can run the gamut on expression and dress; oftentimes they will use identifying labels to denote the level of femininity and/or masculinity they identify with. It’s all a matter of gender socialization and expression, IMO, but that’s where butch, dyke, femme, AGG, boi come from. Oh, but there are also transguys (FtM) that may identify as boi/boy…
Oh, and while I’m thinking of transgender: being trans has NOTHING to do with sexual orientation. That being said, a FtM transguy could still like men as a guy. He may consider himself a gay man. Their orientation has nothing to do with their gender identity being changed. Follow me so far?
Okay, then there’s pansexual and queer. These can sometimes be interchanged, but it depends on the person’s personal interpretation (from what I have noticed.) Pansexual basically means attracted to people regardless of their sex, gender expression, and sexual orientation. Thus, it allows for anything and everything. I think Queer is a little more liberal about allowing for variances in gender itself (i.e. seeing that there is more than just male and female settings), but that is MY personal interpretation.
Personally, I don’t use the term bisexual anymore. While most people understand that a helluva lot better than if I say I’m Queer, the fact is that bisexual insinuates that there are ONLY 2 genders. I, personally, consider myself GenderQueer. I allow for a more fluid expression of gender. While I’m mostly a girly-girl, I occasionlly like to fuck with gender. I also appreciate others that genderbend. Whether it’s camp, drag, or trans, or just wearing jeans and foregoing the makeup and the fuss, it’s all aspects of fucking with gender… and allowing the self to express as it wants to be instead of what we OUGHT to be.
I love when people ask me how I define myself. I find it respectful and I appreciate the fact that they are trying to understand me and who I am. How will we ever learn if no one asks?
I’m queer. I’m not straight and I’m not gay. I’m a little bent (hence, not straight). I won’t take offense to being called bisexual. That label seems to be one that most people can understand. But I personally identify as queer. To me, queer is not straight. And I am not straight. I’m a fan of saying that I fall in love with fabulosity, not genitalia. I like who I like, regardless of gender or sex. I just personally prefer “queer” to “bisexual” because I feel like it is a less rigid definition and is inclusive of people who may be genderqueer. If I say I’m bisexual, it implies that I am only attracted to men and women. If I say I’m queer, it allows for the inclusion of men, women, FTMs, MTFs, and any gender variance in between.
I’m also a femme in the queer community.
Was that coherent? If not, feel free to keep asking and I will try my best to clarify! Sometimes it’s hard to articulate exactly what a label means, because it’s more something I feel inside me.
Oh, and for a great resource regarding gender fluidity and gender variance, check out Genderfork: http://genderfork.com/
It’s a really cool site that basically asks people how THEY define their own gender. It’s gender, in their own words. Totally awesome.
Labels such as these are always so difficult. Mainly because I believe that none of us follow the same definition. I have always kept the fact that I am bi-sexual to myself in most cases. To me, like you, this means I am attracted to both men and woman, meaning I would be and have been in relationships with both. To many people being bi-sexual means that if you are a woman that you “might” make-out with another woman if you are wasted. It’s the “mySpace” bi-sexual phenomenon, and it’s irritating. I think the push to “pick” is also out there. Many lesbians and homosexuals, as well as heterosexuals don’t understand how a bi-sexual can exist. I think that is a sad situation as well. You love who you love, sexually and emotionally. Gender, style, personal identity, all play a part of who you are and what you like. The labels shouldn’t be that important.
Oh, and this will be the last time I flood your comments section, I promise :p
I explored my own bisexuality a while ago on my blog in a series of posts. You are more than welcome to read those as well. These 2 are most relevant to the question at hand:
Part II: http://britnidanielle.blogspot.com/2008/06/bisexuality-part-ii-sexuality-bi-britni.html
Part V: http://britnidanielle.blogspot.com/2008/08/bisexuality-part-v-i-dont-bi-it.html
Woo! I inspired you ^_^
As many have said, asking is always the easiest and most respectful way. When I teach my classes, I always start out with asking for people’s pronouns.
Identities mean such different things to different people…for example, my NoFauxxx contest asked people “what does queer mean to you?” Here are all the answers that people came up with: http://essin-em.com/nofauxxx-giveaway/ — notice that no two are the same.
I am a queer, kinky, non-monogamous, disabled, perverted, curvy, alternative, open-minded femme dyke. Often times, queer covers it for me. Queer is an umbrella term, an open ended term, an encompassing term, a welcoming term, an inclusive term.
First, I identified as the default I was given; straight. Then, I identified as bisexual. Then I realized I was attracted almost 100% to female assigned people, so I identified as a lesbian. Then I realized that I was attracted to and loved gender queer people and transmen as well…so I identified as pansexual for a while, but realized that in my mind, it was more of a term for people who are open minded bisexuals. I first heard the term queer without giving it second thought, and then I realized that it fit me. It didn’t matter who I was attracted to, and whether or not it changed. It didn’t matter how many people I liked at one time, or how kinky I was… I was queer, and didn’t have to keep re-defining me. I just…WAS.
And that’s my take on it. Again, it never hurts to ask.
As someone who used to identify as bisexual and now as queer, I felt the term expressed more fully my attraction to people across the spectrum including trans/genderqueer people; but also that it avoided a sort of ‘half-half’ mentality that bisexual implies. It’s easier for me to always be queer than it is to be mostly-gay-but-a-bit-straight one year then mostly-straight-but-a-bit-gay the next. Also I feel that queer is a muddy enough term to encapsulate the kink/BDSM parts of my sexuality.
So I guess it’s totally fair that people ask me what the hell I mean when I say I’m queer. I’m not sure myself, which is kind of the point.
I don’t pretend to understand a lot of those labels either. Though reading this post and the comments helped a little bit. I’ve also, very unintentionally, offended people by asking when I didn’t understand only to have them angered by it and shaking their fists. You would think someone would be more eager to explain and promote further understanding. *shrug*
I identify myself as bisexual. The thing that confuses me is, well I would prefer not to say actually. I wouldn’t want to needlessly and unintentionally offend a reader of yours honestly.
This post was wonderful. I’m glad you decided to post.
God! I am so with you here! It seems like the people who use these terms expect everyone to know what they mean but won’t let anyone know!
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