Blowjob FAIL — the Blowguard.

Some­times a prod­uct seems like a really good idea… Blowjobs — teeth are a prob­lem, right? No mat­ter how care­ful I am, my over­bite will some­times fea­ture in my oral sex work, so when I saw the Blow­guard, I thought to myself, now that’s a good idea for a sex toy — why hasn’t any­one come up with this before?! Though we’re not really into penis enlarg­ers and pumps, any­thing that makes oral sex bet­ter is good, right?

Made of pthalates-free sil­i­cone, the Blow­guard kind of looks like the mouth piece that foot­ball play­ers wear. It has a piece that pro­trudes with a small hole — that’s for the tiny bul­let vibra­tor, and it comes with a small pil­low of fla­vored lube — cherry, I believe. The bul­let was kind of hard to squeeze into the hole, but with a lit­tle effort, the bendy sil­i­cone yielded and I was able to fit it inside. Putting it in my mouth was another thing, alto­gether. The Blow­guard doesn’t spec­ify where it should be worn, top or bot­tom. I usu­ally have prob­lems with my top front teeth, so I tried wear­ing it on the top.

Get­ting it in place was kind of awk­ward — I could get it over my teeth, but then try­ing to get a cock in my mouth and pro­vide suc­tion and stimulation…yeah, wasn’t really hap­pen­ing. While D reported that the vibra­tions felt good, he thought I looked incred­i­bly stu­pid (appar­ently the foot­ball mouth­piece look isn’t sexy), and to be hon­est, I felt stu­pid and not at all sexy. I had to use my tongue to keep the Blow­guard in place and it was impos­si­ble to get any suc­tion seal going. And the cherry-flavored lube that was included was, to be frank, dis­gust­ing. It tasted awful, and this is com­ing from me, some­one who actu­ally likes cherry Nyquil, so you know it had to taste bad.

So I thought, okay, maybe I should try it on my bot­tom teeth where grav­ity will keep it in place, and I’ll try it with my favorite fla­vored lube. This was almost worse. The move­ment of my mouth and his cock kept dis­lodg­ing the Blow­guard, so I couldn’t keep it over my teeth and hav­ing it and the cock in my mouth made me feel like I was going to gag. I still couldn’t use my tongue well or get any good suc­tion — I could barely get his cock in my mouth and keep it there. And,  I felt incred­i­bly stu­pid and stupid-looking — nei­ther of which con­tributes to a good blowjob. Even­tu­ally, I ended up pulling it out of my mouth and toss­ing it aside.

So, while the Blow­guard seemed like a good idea — in prac­tice, it sucked, and not at all in a good way. I felt like I was at the den­tist get­ting x-rays done and try­ing not to gag on that thing they stick in your mouth, and though the vibra­tions felt nice, D couldn’t con­cen­trate on my sexy mouth blow­ing him, not with that plas­tic pro­trud­ing between my lips. I don’t think I could rec­om­mend this to any­one — it just doesn’t work. You’d be so much bet­ter off just prac­tic­ing your blowjob tech­nique to min­i­mize teeth, and you wouldn’t look nearly as stu­pid. I love suck­ing cock, and D loves hav­ing his cock sucked, but the Blow­guard didn’t make any part of the process bet­ter — it made it worse, it made it look stu­pid, and it made me feel so decid­edly unsexy that I hope to never use it again. I’m stick­ing to old-fashioned oral sex with a vibrat­ing cock­ring from now on!