Sex and Intimacy Project — Part 9

Self-portrait by Alec, Coy Pink’s deli­cious pho­tog­ra­pher husband

This set of answers comes from a 26 year old het­ero­sex­ual male, aka D20, who describes him­self as “sin­gle, open to pos­si­bil­i­ties, but not hunt­ing too actively”.

What does inti­macy mean to you? How do you define intimacy?

I think it’s best described as a deep con­nec­tion between peo­ple. It gen­er­ally implies that the peo­ple involved share knowl­edge or expe­ri­ences with one another, usu­ally with a “depth” that may not be present with others.

Do you think that all acts of sex are nec­es­sar­ily intimate?

Not at all. I think inti­macy is a func­tion of not only the peo­ple involved, but the “set­ting” or “con­text.” Oral sex can be an extremely inti­mate bond, but I would say quite the oppo­site about a glory-hole blow job, or a pros­ti­tute who only sees clients for money.

What about sex makes it inti­mate? Makes it not intimate?

Again, I think it’s most a func­tion of the rela­tion­ship between the peo­ple involved. Fac­tors may include how much one per­son is focused on the other’s plea­sure ver­sus their own (some may say “mak­ing love” ver­sus “fucking”)

When is sex intimate?

The eas­i­est answer would be “when the par­ties involved decide so.”

Are some sex­ual acts more inti­mate than others?

I’d say there prob­a­bly are acts that are inher­ently more or less inti­mate than oth­ers. But, as before, I think the con­text make more of a dif­fer­ence. The level of inti­macy (or lack thereof) is really deter­mined by those involved.

Is the act of sex an inti­mate act for you? Why or why not? Does it change depend­ing on who your part­ners are?

For me, it usu­ally is; I rarely take it lightly. I’ve had a few one-night stands, but most of those had a cer­tain amount of inti­macy. The least inti­mate sex I’ve had was pre­de­ter­mined to be an after­noon of no-strings-attached sex with a bored friend, but that was planned for non-intimacy.

How do you per­ceive the dif­fer­ing lev­els of inti­macy when mul­ti­ple part­ners are involved?

I can’t really say, because I have a pretty monog­a­mous nature, and don’t often find myself in multi-partner or poly sit­u­a­tions. I would imag­ine that open com­mu­ni­ca­tion between all par­ties involved is paramount.

What about sex with­out inti­macy, like sex between strangers? Can there still be a level of inti­macy that builds between two peo­ple because of the act of sex itself?

A cer­tain level on inti­macy can exist between strangers, yes (But the same is said of often said of hostages or POWs held cap­tive together!). Inti­macy can be built over time, over repeated encoun­ters, but its cre­ation can­not be forced from the begin­ning. Every flame needs a spark, so to speak.

What about inti­macy in vir­tual rela­tion­ships, like online where the sex itself may be virtual?

A form of emo­tional inti­macy can develop through online inter­ac­tions. It’s not for me, but who am I to tell oth­ers what they are doing isn’t intimate?

Please tell me a lit­tle bit about sex and inti­macy in your own life.

For me, the two are usu­ally fairly well linked. I lost my vir­gin­ity at 19, to a girl with whom I had been in a rela­tion­ship for a few months. I’ve always been an affec­tion­ate, inti­mate guy; I greatly enjoy phys­i­cal con­tact, like cud­dling and hold­ing hands. Per­son­ally, inti­macy is more a men­tal state than a phys­i­cal one (which is cer­tainly linked to my inher­ent nature as a for­mer stu­dent of psy­chol­ogy and soci­ol­ogy– I know how peo­ple think).

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