Sex and Intimacy Project — Part 10

This set of answers comes from a 44 year old female, Shan­nee, who describes her­self as “bi-curious, kinky and sacred”. She has recently split up with her husband.

What does inti­macy mean to you? How do you define intimacy?

There are many forms of inti­macy. To me it reaches far beyond mere sex. There’s intel­lec­tual inti­macy that is cre­ated when peo­ple col­lab­o­rate to cre­ate together or to under­stand more deeply. There’s emo­tional inti­macy that comes in vary­ing degrees of depth. All are valu­able. There’s also spir­i­tual inti­macy and some­thing not always shared amongst peo­ple, but I think it is one of the most valu­able forms of inti­macy and cru­cial to my well being. I think that sacred sex rit­u­als are a very impor­tant part of my emo­tional needs.

Do you think that all acts of sex are nec­es­sar­ily intimate?

On some lev­els yes. Let­ting some­one touch your body cre­ates a con­nec­tion between you and that per­son. The cells of your body will always remem­ber this touch. I think it wise to always ask one­self, if this is a per­son I want to remem­ber touch­ing me for the rest of my life before I let that hap­pen. But like any other form of inti­macy there’s some expe­ri­ences that are deeper than oth­ers. Its not the act but the con­nec­tion between the peo­ple which makes some­thing really inti­mate. I’ve had kisses that were more mean­ing­ful and inti­mate than any sex­ual act I’ve ever had.

What about sex makes it inti­mate? Makes it not intimate?

The exchange of energy between two peo­ple is what makes it inti­mate, but its not nec­es­sar­ily inti­mate on any other level than phys­i­cal. Its what peo­ple intend or allow that makes it deeper. As I said ear­lier, I don’t think its pos­si­ble to have sex that’s not at all inti­mate. But its pos­si­ble to not attach emo­tional, men­tal or spir­i­tual mean­ing to sex and for many peo­ple that is their line for what makes sex not inti­mate. If its only phys­i­cal exchange. Only is a rel­a­tive term though, because as I said, the cells of the body form a mem­ory of that moment. That’s an inti­macy for the rest of your life.

When is sex intimate?

When there is an emo­tional exchange of some sort.

Are some sex­ual acts more inti­mate than others?

I think kiss­ing is very inti­mate. I think that acts that break down walls of sep­a­ra­tion or pull off masks of proper or social grace tend to be more inti­mate, sim­ply because there’s less that stands in the way of an exchange. I think the nature of that act is unique to each indi­vid­ual. For some, anal sex is the ulti­mate inti­macy where oth­ers it might be a kiss.

Is the act of sex an inti­mate act for you? Why or why not? Does it change depend­ing on who your part­ners are?

Yes. Sex is always inti­mate for me. I am not really inter­ested in phys­i­cal only rela­tion­ships. And yes. The more I love the per­son, the more inti­mate it goes for me.

How do you per­ceive the dif­fer­ing lev­els of inti­macy when mul­ti­ple part­ners are involved?

If there’s love amongst the part­ners, hav­ing more part­ners mag­ni­fies trust and love, makes it grow deeper and stronger.

What about sex with­out inti­macy, like sex between strangers? Can there still be a level of inti­macy that builds between two peo­ple because of the act of sex itself?

I don’t believe its pos­si­ble to have inti­macy free sex unless its rape and there will still be that inti­macy of cre­at­ing per­ma­nent mem­o­ries in the body. And yes. Sex can lead to an emo­tional exchange. I think that’s normal.

What about inti­macy in vir­tual rela­tion­ships, like online where the sex itself may be virtual?

Any time peo­ple share their thoughts and feel­ings there’s an exchange going on between them. Its quite inti­mate to do that after all. But can such a rela­tion­ship with­stand the stresses of daily liv­ing or of a cri­sis? I tend to doubt it. Such tem­per­ing requires face to face con­tact. And no mas­tur­bat­ing together is not a full expe­ri­ence of inti­macy. Its got its lim­its to share sex­ual feel­ings and thoughts while self stim­u­lat­ing. Even adding in the visual ele­ments or the voice connection…No. I wouldn’t say that’s a full inti­macy because the phys­i­cal con­nec­tion hasn’t grounded the exchange. Some­thing will be miss­ing and left unsat­is­fied. It will feel hol­low with­out any con­tact at all.

Please tell me a lit­tle bit about sex and inti­macy in your own life.

I’m not sure what to say about sex or inti­macy right now. I’ve no live in part­ner any more. I’ve got a lover, but at the moment, I’m not sure I’ll be able to see him for a long while. So I sup­pose that mostly celi­bate. How­ever, I have some close emo­tional rela­tion­ships that are roman­tic in nature. I have alot of inti­mate friend­ships and my lover and I are still get­ting to know each other. I’m enjoy­ing a soft and very gen­tle inti­macy with him when I do get to see him.