What I am, and am not.

I’m not a sub­mis­sive by nature. In fact, it’s a role that I only let myself play in the bed­room. After so many years spent under the hand of my abu­sive father, I forced myself to be hard, to be dom­i­nant, to match any­one and every­one, and to never be taken advan­tage of ever again. I was a prickly lit­tle girl, clothed in my armor of thorns –my growl­ing exte­rior was my pro­tec­tion and the only way I knew how to sur­vive. D, like­wise, is not a dom­i­nant by nature. I find myself egging on the dark side of his nature, try­ing to unleash his restraint towards me. When we switch, I com­pete with him, try­ing to be the bet­ter top, try­ing to be more inno­v­a­tive in my meth­ods. I’m torn between these two halves of myself — am I sub­mis­sive, am I dom­i­nant? Which is the true self?
Part of me fears that loss of con­trol, relin­quish­ing it means that I am no longer able to strictly con­trol every aspect of my life. Yet, if I gladly accept the loss of con­trol, does that mean I’m tak­ing the easy way out? That I’m shirk­ing my respon­si­b­li­ties as deci­sion maker in my own life? It is so very seduc­tive to ask him to con­trol me in every way, but I’m not sure either of us is ready for that yet.